Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
PTSD Sucks! You Can Make It Amazing!
As you know I survived 21 years of abuse,
what you don't know how I'm still trying to survive through wondering why me? Why is it hard to find ways to find myself? Why can't I feel normal? Why can't I forget and move on? Why do I act like a child in ways? Why can't I drive down the street and not have flashbacks!
It is so weird to be away from abuse because I lived it for so long! I thought it was life! I felt thought that in my past life I must of done something so bad that "God" was punishing me!
From being molested I learned to block my feelings to not feel or to be there while it was happening!
Being abused I was in another world to get away
emotionally! I learned in all the years of being abused to just block and let it happen and it will be all over in an hour and then it happened again and again and so I was blocked permanently!
When I was married at 15 I was thinking that I would be away from abuse for good and I would be able to create my own family and protect them! I thought wrong! I was abused and beat down more than ever! I became a thing! I hated myself n with all my soul! I just wanted to die! I did want to be here in this world of pain!
When I had my first child I found my first love! I changed! I
finally had a reason to be here and be strong! For my son!! I knew then I would do what it takes to protect! I had my second child and before you knew it I was a mother of two! I learned to block him out and just take the abuse! As long as my kids are safe!
The father of my kids was deported and to Costa Rica! I was happy but then after a couple of days my son asked where his father was and the weird feeling of being on my own was scary. The feeling of being on my own away from abuse was hard to do. Life did not seem right. Those nights of it being so peaceful and eating dinner with the kids was not the same! It was too perfect!
I started to feel bad for my son, and thought to myself if I don't go up there I would never know if what he was saying was true. I would never know if I was making the right choice!
So, I went. Life felt normal because of the fast beat of my heart, the scared feeling I had even looking at him. I felt like myself again.
Well I new as soon as I got there I had made the wrong choice! I was held for one year and I fought my way out and back to the USA with both of my kids!
So now here comes the point of this story, I got out of 21 years of abuse! I felt great on that airplane heading my way back home. I lived on the streets for a couple of weeks and my emotions was crazy because I had to get a place, find a job, and protect my kids! So that rush and life was normal!
I soon got a job, a place and my kid's had a great baby sitter that took great care of them and I trusted! To have a job, pay for my own place, and to trust someone was an amazing feeling!
Life was grand! Until I had flashbacks of the event's of my life, I had scary feeling of wanting to jump out my body! I had felt so alone and freaked out of my mind! I thought my life was going back to the abuse! I was free and I knew it! some how my mind would not let me accept it!
I went to the doctor and they said I had PTSD. I had no idea what that was. They gave me Zolft and sent me on my way! I took the medicine as they told me to. I still slept with one eye open sort of speak for years. I met a man and started to move fast. I moved in with him and my two kid's and man was I scared! I started to get to worried my mind was racing!
I had to pay attention to every move and every thing he was doing! I could not sleep. I checked on my kids every second. I was not living with this man happily. Sex was so hard because I had to block my emotions. I was going nut's. In my mind I was waiting for him to abuse, molest, or do something far worse! I went to work like a zombie and a mess because of how I was feeling. I clearly was not ready to live with a man again. I never let myself grow and know me!
I felt I had to go to a rehab home. I was feeling so numb and could not focus! I felt like I was on some kind of drug. I could not get control of my emotions.
I made an appointment to see a doctor and I learned so much on why I was feeling like that. I took extra care of how my thought were controlling me to think one way and I had to think more positive and act like I was okay to make it through my marriage. I had to pretend that I was okay at work and around other's.
I soon became tired of pretending I had it all together and so I started speaking out. So now I am here telling you all how it is with Complex PTSD. It is not easy and I am freaked out by how far I came to this point in my life. I wrote my memoir and I started my inspirational T-Shirt business to start helping other's who face the same! I want to make a difference and make my life matter! I lost 21 years but I know I can make the rest of my years worth something.
So if you think you have PTSD and feel like shit, I know how you feel! But there is help out there and don't beat yourself up about it! You can get through it! It takes everyday and Lot's of positive peeps around you to succeed at making it to a healthy place! Us people should stick together and make it together!
I hope this crazy ride I'm taking is going to be an amazing one! I will keep you posted on any success! Big Hugs!
what you don't know how I'm still trying to survive through wondering why me? Why is it hard to find ways to find myself? Why can't I feel normal? Why can't I forget and move on? Why do I act like a child in ways? Why can't I drive down the street and not have flashbacks!
It is so weird to be away from abuse because I lived it for so long! I thought it was life! I felt thought that in my past life I must of done something so bad that "God" was punishing me!
From being molested I learned to block my feelings to not feel or to be there while it was happening!
Being abused I was in another world to get away
emotionally! I learned in all the years of being abused to just block and let it happen and it will be all over in an hour and then it happened again and again and so I was blocked permanently!
When I was married at 15 I was thinking that I would be away from abuse for good and I would be able to create my own family and protect them! I thought wrong! I was abused and beat down more than ever! I became a thing! I hated myself n with all my soul! I just wanted to die! I did want to be here in this world of pain!
When I had my first child I found my first love! I changed! I
finally had a reason to be here and be strong! For my son!! I knew then I would do what it takes to protect! I had my second child and before you knew it I was a mother of two! I learned to block him out and just take the abuse! As long as my kids are safe!
The father of my kids was deported and to Costa Rica! I was happy but then after a couple of days my son asked where his father was and the weird feeling of being on my own was scary. The feeling of being on my own away from abuse was hard to do. Life did not seem right. Those nights of it being so peaceful and eating dinner with the kids was not the same! It was too perfect!
I started to feel bad for my son, and thought to myself if I don't go up there I would never know if what he was saying was true. I would never know if I was making the right choice!
So, I went. Life felt normal because of the fast beat of my heart, the scared feeling I had even looking at him. I felt like myself again.
Well I new as soon as I got there I had made the wrong choice! I was held for one year and I fought my way out and back to the USA with both of my kids!
So now here comes the point of this story, I got out of 21 years of abuse! I felt great on that airplane heading my way back home. I lived on the streets for a couple of weeks and my emotions was crazy because I had to get a place, find a job, and protect my kids! So that rush and life was normal!
I soon got a job, a place and my kid's had a great baby sitter that took great care of them and I trusted! To have a job, pay for my own place, and to trust someone was an amazing feeling!
Life was grand! Until I had flashbacks of the event's of my life, I had scary feeling of wanting to jump out my body! I had felt so alone and freaked out of my mind! I thought my life was going back to the abuse! I was free and I knew it! some how my mind would not let me accept it!
I went to the doctor and they said I had PTSD. I had no idea what that was. They gave me Zolft and sent me on my way! I took the medicine as they told me to. I still slept with one eye open sort of speak for years. I met a man and started to move fast. I moved in with him and my two kid's and man was I scared! I started to get to worried my mind was racing!
I had to pay attention to every move and every thing he was doing! I could not sleep. I checked on my kids every second. I was not living with this man happily. Sex was so hard because I had to block my emotions. I was going nut's. In my mind I was waiting for him to abuse, molest, or do something far worse! I went to work like a zombie and a mess because of how I was feeling. I clearly was not ready to live with a man again. I never let myself grow and know me!
I felt I had to go to a rehab home. I was feeling so numb and could not focus! I felt like I was on some kind of drug. I could not get control of my emotions.
I made an appointment to see a doctor and I learned so much on why I was feeling like that. I took extra care of how my thought were controlling me to think one way and I had to think more positive and act like I was okay to make it through my marriage. I had to pretend that I was okay at work and around other's.
I soon became tired of pretending I had it all together and so I started speaking out. So now I am here telling you all how it is with Complex PTSD. It is not easy and I am freaked out by how far I came to this point in my life. I wrote my memoir and I started my inspirational T-Shirt business to start helping other's who face the same! I want to make a difference and make my life matter! I lost 21 years but I know I can make the rest of my years worth something.
So if you think you have PTSD and feel like shit, I know how you feel! But there is help out there and don't beat yourself up about it! You can get through it! It takes everyday and Lot's of positive peeps around you to succeed at making it to a healthy place! Us people should stick together and make it together!
I hope this crazy ride I'm taking is going to be an amazing one! I will keep you posted on any success! Big Hugs!
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